a little bit of rambling on my history

today was a rest day from lifting even though i did a helluva lot all day long! im proud of my energy and i am taking advantage of it bigtime!
any time i start to feel like i want to cave and eat something carby or sugary i remind myself that what i have been doing IS WORKING...WHY RUIN IT?...DO NOT worry....it just takes time and continuous effort!
if i have learned anything over the last....oh.....EIGHT years...its that i, myself, ABSOLUTELY have to stay on track and keep myself accountable or i give myself excuse after excuse until i finally cave and cave big!
going on and off not only ruins the entire plan but its also emotionally AND physically devastating and leads to giving up completely.

i am a woman who WANTS to look great....i ALWAYS looked great when i was growing up! i became accustomed to looking good honestly....i TOTALLY took it for granted!
All the way up to my first child i was a super hottie....and then 3 kids in 10 years, alcohol, dysfunctionality, semi-abusive hubby with an alcohol problem all lead to me putting myself LAST. Once that happened it was just a continuos downhill slide until 2003 when i looked in the mirror one day and was HORRIFIED by what i saw! HOW COULD I HAVE LET THAT HAPPEN?
its amazing how easy it is for people to just look away from the mirror and simply convince themselves that they look the way they see themselves in their heads rather than the actual mirror!!! its DEFINTELY a mental illness in a way!! once i really took a GOOD LONG LOOK at myself and was honest with myself i realized i needed to do something and FAST! i was SO EMBARRASSED!!!!!! i do care what others think about me but when i cant even look at myself naked in the mirror and be happy with what i see then its a sad sad day for me. and believe me i DO NOT like what i see in the mirror when i look at myself naked!!! EEEECK!!!
Luckily i found atkins in 2003 and not long after that i found lifting via BFL. i did fantastically with both and combined i lost 110lbs in 10 months!!!!
everyone, including myself, was amazed and i was praised every where i went about how great i was doing!!! it was AWESOME!!!!
...during that time i also found a passion for lifting i didnt even know i had....i genuinely LOVE lifting and really think i am quite strong genetically!!
slowly i started to lose focus though....i started adding in carbs and i was injured a few times lifting too heavy too fast, so i had to stop lifting.... and so the result of adding in carbs and NOT lifting was a disaster. it was a devastating set back. things at home were more dysfunctional than ever and before i knew it alcohol started to become a real issue for me...i started to go to it anytime i started to feel stress or pain....eventually it really became a serious issue. and on top of the alcohol i also felt like i wasnt even worthy...i just gave up....i ate anything and everything and really and truly just totally said FUCK IT...
i always thought i could control my alcohol consumption but in reality that was a huge denial on my part! im SO GLAD i am free from its restraints now!i hate alcohol at an excessive nature!!! once people get to that point where they are acting foolish and saying stupid shit i am totally unimpressed and fade out as quick as possible.
but LUCKILY i am a VERY competitive woman...have been my entire life! i have no plans of giving up! i WANT to work hard enough to form the shape that I find attractive on myself! i want to make myself proud! NO ONE ELSE!!! i know i can do it!!!
I WILL NOT SWAY!